This Ain’t No Self Insertion
by TardisIsTheOnlyWayToTravel
Summary: A woman finds herself in the body of a young Hogwarts student in the world of Harry Potter. Unfortunately, she happens to be the personification of Death itself, and she isn't happy about her forced relocation... Someone will PAY for this. Xmas fic.Crack.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: This Ain't No Self-Insertion**

**Author: TardisIsTheOnlyWaytoTravel**

**Summary: A woman finds herself in the body of young student, in the world of Harry Potter. Unfortunately, she happens to be the Leader of the Four Horsemen, the other members of which are also in the same predicament.**

**Author notes: **

_Here's a strange Xmas story for you all!_

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PART ONE

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One minute she was minding her own business; the next she was an eleven year old girl, tiny with golden hair and the most appealing blue eyes.

Someone was going to _pay_.

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A search of the castle proved she wasn't alone in her predicament. Pestilence was a tall seventh year boy with fair hair, and Famine turned out to be at the Hufflepuff table, encouraging one of his housemates to stick to her ridiculous new diet. She found Bellona in a fifth-floor corridor, beating up a fourth year boy even though she herself was only a spindly third year.

The most disturbing aspect was that War was wearing a santa hat as she did so.

Death dragged them all into an empty classroom where Pestilence promptly collapsed into laughter at the sight of Thanatos, Grim Reaper, Bringer of Darkness, End of All Things and Leader of the Four Destroyers in the form of a cute little blonde girl.

Seeing the way Death's eyes lit with terrifying green, War promptly kicked her brother in the groin.

Famine paled slightly as he stared at his grievously injured brother, before regarding Thanatos with rapt and unsmiling attention.

War smirked and perched herself on a desk, legs swinging to and fro, eyes glinting behind her curtain of dark red hair the colour of wine.

"Does anyone have any idea what caused this?" Thanatos asked, cold anger giving her voice a slight unworldly depth.

The others shook their heads, except for Pestilence who gave a pained wheeze.

"What do we know about the situation?" Thanatos continued.

"We're children, we're semi-mortal, we're in a fictional school for wizards and it's freaking Christmas Eve," War summarised cheerfully. She didn't' like Christmas much; people tended to pull back on their aggression a little, even if it was only for a single day of cease-fire. It wasn't a good time for Famine, either, with everyone donating to charity. Pestilence on the other hand, benefited from all the travel people took to visit friends and relatives, inevitably carrying diseases great distances as well as picking up new ones to take home with them. Death simply found that the number of deaths per type of fatality altered a little; fewer numbers of deaths caused by workplace machinery, for example, but a greater number of fatal car accidents.

"Thanks," Death said dryly. "Any clue how we got here?"

"Well, when the World was Made –" War began, only to stop, grinning, at Thanatos' glare.

"I'd say someone's bargained with a minor deity, or found one of their artefacts," Pestilence croaked, finally capable of speech.

"I suppose we'll have to find out who it is," Famine said glumly. "In the meantime, we have curfew."

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse stared at each other.

"Curfew?" Death echoed.

**oo o0o oo**

She lay in bed that night trying to work out how ordinary mortals slept. She'd curled up into a ball under her blankets, but had to pull them back a bit when she started to run out of air. Most distracting was her heartbeat. With every pump in her chest Death could _feel_ the blood rushing around her body, through every pulse-point.

She sighed and wondered if she'd just shut down automatically, or if there was some unguessed-at skill in sleeping…


	2. Chapter 2

**Title: This Ain't No Self-Insertion**

**Author: TardisIsTheOnlyWaytoTravel**

**Summary: A woman finds herself in the body of a young student, in the world of Harry Potter. Unfortunately, she happens to be the Leader of the Four Horsemen, the other members of which are also in the same predicament.**

_Bellona ~ War_

_Aethon ~ Famine_

_Morbus ~ Pestilence_

_Thanatos ~ Death_

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**PART TWO**

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Christmas morning Death found War snogging a fifth year boy in a cupboard. If Death read her sister's intentions aright, then she would have kissed a couple of his friends and slept with at least one other of them by the end of the day, causing an in-house war that would likely rage for several months before they worked out she'd done it on purpose, and damaging several friendships irreparably. It was War's usual destructive style. Death could at least be merciful at times. War was never merciful, and always cruel, and to her there was no such thing as honour.

Death stood outside the cupboard looking at her watch. After ten minutes she banged on the door.

"Sister!" she bellowed. "Get out here!"

The door opened and a dazed boy was pushed out. War gave him a seductive smile as she stepped demurely out, her mouth a swollen red and hair slightly ruffled. He gave her a giddy, awed grin before heading back to his own house's common rooms.

War smoothed out her hair and grinned at Death.

"Merry Christmas, Thanatos."

"Bellona," Death sighed.

"How long were you waiting outside the door?" War was still grinning.

Thanatos gave her a weary look.

"I'll say this, there's no one like you for waiting," War commented, and went skipping down the hallway.

Death trailed after her on much shorter legs.

"I wait for everyone, sister."

War just started humming _'Don't Fear the Reaper'_ and kept skipping.

**oo o0o oo**

The two of them camped out at the table in the Great Hall until lunchtime, which was only about an hour after Death first woke up. There was one large table instead of four smaller ones, and it was covered with festive decorations. Closer to lunch, people started appearing, finding seats at the table and opening their Christmas crackers.

Pestilence turned up with an interesting rash when half the seats were full, sitting down next to Death.

War eyed him.

"Nice rash."

Pestilence snarled slightly and scratched it, from which Death inferred that the rash was entirely involuntary.

"Someone has a sense of humour?" she questioned.

"Apparently," Pestilence confirmed grumpily.

Famine plopped into the seat next to War then, and eyed the turkey.

"I'm _starving_," he announced. This caught the others' attention.

As one his brother and sister stared at him. He looked skinner than yesterday…

"Aethon?" Pestilence said tentatively, scratching absently at his rash.

"Someone's giving Morbus rashes and making you hungry," War smirked at her brother.

Aethon stared, blinked, and turned to Thanatos.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously," Death confirmed stiffly.

War giggled madly at the expression of utter dismay on Aethon's bony face.

He glared at her.

"It's not something to laugh about, Bellona!"

Bellona just smirked at him and stuck out her tongue.

Famine hissed and shoved her. War gave a yell and leapt at him. They both went over with a crash.

The rest of the table stopped to stare as the two rolled around the floor, shouting at each other.

Pestilence glanced at Death as Famine yelled in pain as War pulled his hair.

"Miss _Holler!_ _Mister_ Holler!" one of the teachers called in outrage, but neither sibling paid them any heed. War's lips were pulled back in a snarling, feral grin of bloodthirsty delight, and Famine was trying to strangle her with long thin fingers.

"You'd think they were the only ones stuck in this situation," Morbus said, looking disgusted.

Thanatos sighed grimly, and stood.

She waded into the melee and grabbing each combatant by an ear, separated them.

Both War and Famine made sounds of pain as Death twisted each ear ruthlessly.

"_Hey!_" Famine squealed, his eyes returning from mottled-black to a more human color.

War tried to kick Death in the shins, glaring with still-fiery eyes.

"Behave!" Death said sharply, aware of how ridiculous the scene must look, an eleven year old girl forcing two people a foot taller than her into submission. It didn't help her temper any.

"_Ow!_" screeched War.

"Either of you so much as breathe the wrong way, and I'm sitting on you," Death warned. "Morbus will help."

"Fine!" the siblings snapped in chorus, one sulkily, the other in suppressed anger.

Thanatos let go of their ears and returned to the table, sitting next to Pestilence this time on the basis that she needed to be near someone else who was sane. She snagged War as she went past, making sure that her sister sat in the seat next to her in case she needed to kick her, or perhaps twist her ear again.

"You're rather scary, for a first year, aren't you?" asked the staring boy sitting across from her.

Death looked up, and stiffened slightly. The teenager had eyes the color of emeralds, and a shard of someone else's soul stuck to his forehead like a parasite, leeching away magic and life force. It didn't make much difference, though, as the swirling sickly-green returned as fast as it was drawn, instead of running out.

It was, by all the cosmos, one of her blasted _descendants_. And he somehow had a _Horcrux_ feeding off his soul.

Death didn't want to _know_.

"Are you a Peverell?" she asked wearily.


End file.
